Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
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Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.