“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin