[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
You Might Also Like
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need