Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I feel attacked.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house