Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
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INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.