Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
You Might Also Like
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
tinder is all about the long game
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.