clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”