How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
lmfao
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?