Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Employees must applaud the planets.
You sure about that?
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Incredible customer service.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here