when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
😲 WTF? 😆
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
181.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying