I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
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KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
this is literally a CIA plant
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!