Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.