The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
#parenting
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light