If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
More like Kate Missington.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.