It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.