The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
The Punning Dead.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”