Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
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My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My love language is hissing.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Two types of dogs.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
This was a bad idea all around
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.