If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
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I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.