[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
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I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”