People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.