9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.