*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.