Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.