well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that