Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.