Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.