ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
You Might Also Like
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
This trial is so absurd 😭
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses