15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Employees must applaud the planets.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Coffee is ready.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs