Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
greetings!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here