[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones