[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*