my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
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[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours