Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Mouse
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.