me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
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Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Imma just leave this here…………
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep