But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
You Might Also Like
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital