Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
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ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
These aliens are taking forever.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Finally a use for spoilers…
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid