I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.