My ideal weight is five million dollars
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
There’s always that one guy
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.