When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My dog learned how to text
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.