Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.