Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
How to draw a duck
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*