me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
You Might Also Like
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
(yawn)
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.