Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.