Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
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[eats all your cotton candy]
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here