Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Terribly Tuesday.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting