i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
“How’s your day going?”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.