House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I can’t stop watching this.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.