When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Ron is short for Aaronald
listen closely
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”