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My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.