student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.